I was quite hard on the Tories yesterday. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still think they’re dumber than a bag of hair, but it occurred to me this morning that they’re actually doing us (UKIP) a big favour.
You see there was a statement on the UKIP facebook thingy the other day. It was quite clear and simple; ‘We rely on people to tell the truth. We trust people to be honest. We ask people questions. If they lie, we sack them.’
Now, I’m not a candidate, but I am a member. When I joined I had to give a statement to the effect that I was not, nor have ever been, a member of the BNP and other ultra-left racist national socialist groups. I would imagine that when one asks for the nod as a candidate, one of the questions asked is probably ‘are you a terrible racist who is going to cause embarrassment to UKIP and bring their name into disrepute?’
The thing is, despite a massive increase in membership this year (around 40% when most parties are haemorrhaging numbers) the numbers who run the party admin are quite low. With the best will in the world we cannot conduct in depth investigations into the histories of each candidate we are putting forward. Thankfully, the Tories have spent a good deal of money doing that for us. And as soon as we find someone who says stupid and racist things like John Cherry, they can be kicked out in short order.
Oh, dammit. Would you look at that? John Cherry is a Tory. We’ll colour me surprised. There was me thinking the Conservative’s poo-poo didn’t stink.
Anyhow, cheers for that Tories, you’ve saved us a huge amount of cash and effort there. That’s bloody decent of you.
Now, there’s one more thing you could do for us. Would you be so good to ensure that your dead tree press shock troop hacks keep writing about us until Thursday? Today in the Wail it’s the turn of former Tory dep-chairman, non-dom billionaire Tory funder Michael Ashcroft.
He’s again trotting out the line vote UKIP, get Labour. Apparently, if you vote UKIP you won’t get the Tories, and there goes all hope of an in/out referendum.
Point one: I am absolutely convinced that either a) the ‘negotiations’ that Cameron wants to conduct will come to nowt, and as a result he’ll say, ‘well I did say a referendum was dependent upon having a package to refer’ and it won’t happen, or b) it will be a consultative referendum which is not binding, or c) it will be binding and we’ll have to just keep on voting until we vote to stay in. Either way, I don’t believe Cameron, not even as far as I can spit, and given his track record, only a fool would take him at his word. Jam tomorrow? How about sod off today?
Point two: Because you lot are so dim, you still believe that UKIP supporters are Tories who are a little bit upset. You think that if you keep making the hollow promise of a referendum, perhaps, if the conditions are right, at some point in the future, we’ll all come crawling back.
Now, the UKIP line on the EU is hugely attractive to me, it’s one of the reasons I joined, but it isn’t the whole story. For many who support UKIP the EU thing is nice, but it isn’t the main thing.
You see Mike, the reason we’re picking up support is that we’re not you. We’re not Labour, we’re not the LibDems. We haven’t made a career of insulting the electorate, offering positions that differ from the others by fractions of a fraction. We are different. I don’t doubt that if we were ever to take a parliamentary majority we’d find the occasional shyster, feather-bedder and general arse-clown. But you lot, you make them ministers, you keep them as ministers, or you make them spend a few months on the naughty step before letting them back into class. You stole from us. You lied to us. You patronised us.
Yet you still bang on about the one issue. Jeez, move on, can’t you? We have. You realise you look like the person who has only just discovered the MP3 player and spends all the time telling everyone about what it does?
Yeah mate, we know. Get with the times, Grandad.
This ceased to be only about Europe some time ago. People are realising, at long long last, it doesn’t matter which of the big three they vote for, because the result is always going to be the same no matter who wins.
Do I think UKIP is some sort of panacea? Of course not, I’m not that naive. But why the hell should they not have a crack? Is it because the track record of your three mobs, with your cosy little club rules, your understandings, your nods and winks, studiously ensuring the horses remain unscared and that the pachyderm in the chamber remains steadfastly unidentified, is so Earth shatteringly awe-inspiringly golden and successful?
You can’t scare us anymore, because given the last Labour government, and the current coalition, nothing (beyond a Green or a BNP government) could possibly be any worse that what we’ve lived under for the last ten years.
You keep writing about how awful it would be if UKIP ‘stole’ votes from ‘your’ voters. You keep making out that people have a duty to vote for your miserable, incompetent mob. You keep making out that you own people. You keep telling people how we’re dangerous, a bit dodgy, suspect, something not right about us.
Every time you do it, people are looking at you. And damn, are you ugly.
So keep it up. Please.