Category Archives: silly little stories

What a critic.

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A few bloggers have written on the subject of spammers recently. I get a few, about three or four a day. Most of the time it is gibberish, a lot of the time it is along the lines of ‘I found this really helpful and will share it with my friends’, often it is no more than a list of hyperlinks for some moody handbags and the like.

Occasionally, one pops up which is just simply fantastic. I have happened upon one this evening, one that made me roar with laughter.

Thing is, he’s not too far off. . . (click to embiggen)

Spammers that troll! Troll Spammers! Run for your lives!

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As some of you will have noticed, I recently turned moderation on over here, to the extent that a first comment will be moderated to make sure you’re not a spammer, after that you get a free reign. This was never about silencing dissent towards my views, and is only about preventing the irrelevant and sometimes bizarre comments which get left by spammers.

A fairly typical entry is like this:

What’s up, its nice paragraph regarding media print, we all be familiar with media is a enormous source of data.

Harmless, absolutely meaningless but a bit annoying. I don’t mind if you disagree with me, I’m not a politician, where examining data and perhaps changing one’s opinion is a sign of weakness. It may be that you have a perspective I hadn’t considered. I will always welcome alternative points of view, especially if they are considered and politely presented.

Stuff like this:

Thank уοu for thе auѕpicious writeup.
It in fаct was а leiѕure account it.

Look complex to more deliverеd agreeablе frοm you!
However, how could ωe communicatе?

Adds nothing to the debate at all, and is absolutely incomprehensible. Indeed it could come straight from some government departmental briefing.

However I just logged on this morning and saw this absolute doozie which was left on an article I wrote months ago. I’m assuming the intention is that I’ll take umbridge at the slight, publish the comment and reply to it, thus getting the spammer’s link on the website.

It hasn’t worked, but I had to share the text of the comment with you, as the sheer chutzpah had me laughing like a drain:

naturally like your website but you have to check the spelling on several of

your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling issues and I

find it very bothersome to tell the truth however I’ll surely come back again.

This from ‘Shenna’.

Well, Shenna. I’m glad you naturally like my website. However without wishing to appear big headed, I would consider my spelling proficiency to be well above average. I would also say the same for my appreciation of grammar and punctuation. Something you yourself could perhaps work on.

The fact that she(?) finds it ‘very bothersome to tell the truth’ suggests to me that she is actually a cabinet minister.

Jeez, a troll spammer, what is the world coming to?

Trying to tell us something, Alistair?

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I was watching Sky News this morning when old badger features Darling came on the tellybox to tell us all about the continuing clusterfuck that is the Eurozone.

As an aside, I think it’s very nice of the G8 to meet up in Maryland and then come us tell us what it is Greece must do. Now I think the Greeks are basket cases, but it’s their country. It says a great deal about these people that they meet up and pronounce what a sovereign state must do, even if it is at odds with the stated wishes of the population. It’s the old ‘does he take sugar’ scenario played out on a global scale.

Anyhow, back to old badger features. I didn’t really listen to what he was saying, and not just because he’s no credibility in my eyes. It was because of his surroundings. Standard Sunday morning stuff on the face of it, a scene of domestic bliss with no tie (alas the traditional Sunday morning politician’s jumper was missing). Normally the interview takes place in front of a backdrop of the interviewee’s bookshelves. It’s an interesting exercise in contextual messaging. The fact that the interviewee can be seen with his books delivers a message, their mere presence suggests to the viewer that this person is educated, well read and as a result has an opinion which should be given all due respect and attention.

It’s the same when we see a reporter outside Number 10 or the Old Bailey, it’s a bit daft really, we don’t want to know what’s going on outside these places, we want to know what’s going on inside. It adds nothing to the report at all.

So, obviously for some reason old badger features’ bookcase isn’t suitable, perhaps for some technical reason. Therefore we see him sat in front of some cabinet displaying china (would that were the cabinet he had been sat in for all those years), but no books.

See:

But because there’s no books, a selection has been set up on the table next to him. Now take a look at the top book on the pile. (You may want to click on the image to embiggen.)

That is what drew my attention for some reason. Not the sort of title you’d associate with a politician, I thought to myself, so I paid a little visit to Amazon.

A review states:

Strange Encounters is a variety of strange stories that have a sense of unknown and mystery about them. It deals with the usual UFO’s and ghosts but also dwells into more complex ’encounters’ such as time and space, events linked with the Bible and mysterious lands, the latter two being my favourite. It is these that makes the book so much more refreshing. Unlike some books where you know what you have read is not true and totally implausible, Strange Encounters is different. This is generally helped by way the book is written; after the introduction to the encounter a few stories are told that are connected to it then afterwards the book attempts to analyses all it can about the truth and origin of the stories- providing facts to back it up.

 

Could it be that our former Chancellor is UFO nut? Or perhaps he’s sending us a message that conspiracies about lizard men from space are correct? Or perhaps it is an attempt to explain his own bizarre appearance?

In an age of painstaking public image control, it seems odd to me that this book would just happen to be top of the pile as part of a contextual setting. . .

Quotes of the day.

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First up there’s this story on the BBC website about a Napoleon theme park outside Paris. Doubtless if the little Corporal was alive today, the BBC would be shouting ‘Vive l’Empereur!‘ with the best of them. Oddly, no, that’s not the right word. Let me think. . . . Ahh yes. Predictably, the plans for the park have no mention of Waterloo. Anyhow, this from Charles Napoleon, a descendent of the odious little authoritarian who is speaking out in defence of his ancestor:

“Yes, Napoleon made war. But behind the French armies came new institutions, new administrations, new rules – all inspired by the French revolution, by equality and justice. It was liberation through conquest.”

Liberation through conquest? What? Smacks of Arbeit Macht Frei to me, but don’t mention the Austrian Corporal in Charles’ earshot, they were nothing alike at all, oh no.

And new rules! Huzzah! Just what we all always cry out for, new rules! Saints be praised we’re saved! Liberation through conquest, give me strength. I wonder if the BBC would publish same without comment if it was George W talking about Iraq?

Next up is Red Ken, displaying qualities that would have him tarred and feathered if he were anyone else, but it’s OK, discrimination is fine as long as it comes from a Righteous approved outlet (from the Torygraph):

“every psephological study I’ve seen in the 40 years I’ve been following politics shows the main factor that determines how people how vote is their income level. It varies, a lot of people vote against their own economic interest very often, but that is the main factor and it’s not anti-Semitic to say that.”

Just in case you need a highlighter on that, Dan Hodges spells it out;

In Britain, in 2012, that is the pitch coming from a mainstream political candidate to his supporters: “The Jews are opposed to me – and us – because of their wealth.”

Wow. I’ve invoked his spirit already so I might as well do it again. How long before Red Ken asks ‘how do you solve a problem like Avi?’

That really is something.

And then, following these two is arch-arseclown extraordinaire and Pravda lackwit Richard Bacon who is banging on about the Archers, (also from the Torygraph).

“I honestly believe there are two types of people in the world: those who find The Archers boring … and those who find it boring but pretend to enjoy it as they think it makes them look superior,”

No, not quite you odious, self-satisfied, whinging little twit. There are four types, the two you mentioned and the third camp, those who enjoy it, and the fourth camp, the one I’m sat in, those who don’t listen to it and couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss about it.

Apparently:

Bacon said he longed for a day when he could drive his children to after school activities without having to listen to fictional characters bemoaning the price of poultry feed or worrying about which farmer uses which type of machinery.

Without having to? What, has someone done a number on your car radio? Is it permanently on and tuned to R4? I mean, I don’t blame you for not listening to R5L in your car, even if it is your station, have you heard the output? It’s bloody disastrous, footie commentary, Fighting Talk and Mayo and Kermode on a Friday aside, and your show’s the worst.

The always entertaining James Denningpole explains in the same paper why Bacon is right, but for all the wrong reasons. He also writes about and links to his ever so entertaining dust-up with Bacon on Bacon’s show the other day.

Hmmm, given Bonaparte, Livingstone and Bacon lined up and one consequence free opportunity to give one of them a hefty kick in nadgers, I’d probably plump for Bacon.

‘Oooooh noez! I haz a twoll!’

Not entirely without merit.

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You may or may not be aware but George Lucas is re-issuing the whole six episode Star Wars saga in 3D. This is not an entirely good thing.

The prequel trilogy is arsegravy of the highest order. Episode IV (the first one that came out) is superb. Empire Strikes Back is sublime. Return of the Jedi is ruined by the Ewoks.

Unfortunately George just couldn’t leave well alone, not only with the prequels but with the remastered CGI heavy re-imaginings of the original trio. In my opinion he seriously over cooked the whole thing and what was a superb trilogy (Ewoks aside) has been seriously devalued.

Lucas maintains that the re-worked trilogy was vital as the technology to make the films how he wanted them to look just didn’t exist in the late 70′s early 80′s. I don’t agree with him, he founded ILM which made ground breaking FX and the model work is so much more convincing than the CGI, in my opinion. One critic likened it to a man making a really, really, really good sandwich in 1977 and then spending the next thirty years pouring salt, pepper, mayo and other condiments down his throat in an attempt to make the sandwich taste like he wanted it to taste originally.

Lucas now has this aura about him. He is Hollywood royalty, one of the trappings of that status is a phalanx of yes men following your every move. Nobody has the courage to tell Lucas to leave it alone before he destroys the whole thing.

It’s like this:

Anyhow, I digress. The re-re-release of these movies does have one merit, Franco-Belgian burger chain Quick has the merch rights for the series in their restaurants and have announced the following burgers, the Vader one looks especially cool:

However, every silver lining has a cloud, I’ve eaten a Quick burger, and they’re completely rancid.

Quick! Panic!

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water. . .

A GREAT white shark was last night feared to be in the English Channel after another man-eater was savaged.

A 5ft blue shark washed up on a beach had a giant bite mark, suggesting it had been attacked by an even bigger predator.

Shit!

A dog walker who discovered the dead shark sent pictures to experts who said it could have been attacked by a Jaws-like killer.

“I was told that the only animals who would attack a blue shark like this would be a great white shark or a killer whale.

Christ on a little purple tricycle! What ever will we do?

Oh, hang on, it’s bloody November, anyone who goes into the sea off Camber at the moment will freeze to death before they get chomped. You’ll just be like a novelty human flavoured ice lolly to a shark at this time of year. So, unless the shark pulls itself out of the briny and starts waddling down Dymchurch High Street, there’s probably not too much to worry about.

“But I suppose it’s possible the wound was made after it was dead by a dog or birds.”

Naaaah, that’s just ridiculous, you’d never find a dog or a seagull on the beach at Camber Sands, the great white theory is much more likely because. . .

There has been no confirmed great white sighting in British waters but, with warmer seas, Richard Peirce of the Shark Trust said there was a “good chance” they would stray here.

Oh well, that’s settled then.

It’s put me in mind of this. . .