Underwhelmed.

So, that’s that then. All three leaders have rallied the troops. What have we learned?

Neil Clark (or whatever his name is) doesn’t quite understand how he came to be sat at the cabinet table, what he’s supposed to do now he’s there or how to make sure he stays there without destroying his party. I’ll answer those concerns for you; firstly, you got lucky because the Tories weren’t good enough to beat the worst PM in history on their own. Secondly; what you’re told. Thirdly; you can’t.

Ed Moribund wants us to understand that he’s sorry for Labour’s 13 year pissing money up the wall, invading countries, authoritarian reel. He’s very sorry, but it’s not his fault. Oh no, it was the other lot, the lot that have gone. And you can tell the difference because all the new people now running the party were conspicuous by the way they stood aside and said absolutely fuck all when all this was going on.

David Cameroid wants us to know that we’re all in this together in the national interest and his government will very graciously give us a sliver of the liberties that were not the government’s to take from us in the first place. We don’t need big government, we need big society, which is best run by. . . the government. The same government that must be elected by FPTP lest the next election see him having once again to do a deal with the oiky Liberal (hah!) Democrats (hah!). He’s also going to make sure that no more of our sovereignty is handed over the EU without our say so. That’s kinda like me saying that no more of my milk teeth will be handed over to the tooth fairy. That ship has sailed.

And they wonder why turn-out is so low and politicians held in such low esteem. It’s a bloody mystery, isn’t it?

Wolfer’s note: Just in case you aren’t aware, and you bloody should be; I’m a member of the Libertarian Party. Small but perfectly formed. Go and take a look at the website and blog if you’ve not done so.

The One That Is Asking ‘Oh, Didn’t You Know?’. . .

Labour MP John McDonnell has accused the party of organising a “discredited” leadership contest.

The left-winger said he wanted to stand but would struggle to get the nominations of 33 MPs – required under rules announced on Tuesday – in time.

Now that could suggest that poor old John isn’t very popular. But let’s hear him out.

The Hayes and Harlington MP said this would exclude many “rank and file” Labour members from choosing him and reduce the chances of a “fresh start”.

Well I can’t see why. If I were a Labour MP and had the choice of someone from the bunch of bastards that put us on the oppo benches or someone completely different, I’d take someone completely different every time. However. . .

Mr McDonnell, who wanted to stand against Gordon Brown for the leadership in 2007 but failed to receive enough nominations from MPs, said it was wrong to reduce the period for nominations to four days, from 24 to 27 May.

He said this was not enough time for the many newly elected Labour MPs to weigh up the merits of different candidates and for potential contenders to canvass for support – although he said he was still determined to try.

“I think it undermines the democratic process from the outset,” he told the BBC News Channel.

“I thought we had learnt those lessons.”

They have, John. You can’t just have any old John, Dick or Harry standing for the leadership. What if they got elected? What would Alistair and Peter do then? Besides, it doesn’t undermine the democratic process at all, because there is no democratic process.

Labour have never unseated their leader through a leadership challenge, it’s all a bit messy and tawdry, isn’t it? And weren’t things much nicer when Gordon was given the job on the nod? Don’t want to scare the horses. Blimey, if they start giving the membership a proper say in the leader, they’ll be wanting a say in the formation of policy and everything. No, the membership are best left out of the whole decision making process, leave it to the professionals and the unaccountable. Speaking of which. . .

The new leader will be elected by a ballot of Labour MPs, MEPs, party members and members of affiliated organisations such as trade unions and socialist societies.

Hang on, you mean non-members get to decide on who the Labour is? Really? Wow, that’s an organisation that values its grassroots and trusts their judgement.

Ms Harman has defended the election rules, saying they will lead to a “dynamic” contest, with up to four million people eligible to vote.

Four million? Bloody hell, that’s almost as many people as voted for Labour in the whole of England.

The thing is John, Labour have shown complete disrespect for democracy in 13 years of governmental politics, European politics and internal politics. This is what you need. You need to be steered, informed, educated. What if you make the wrong decision? Hmmmm? What then?

Labour have fed their membership on a strict diet of soundbites and nanny knows best. Now, eat your dinner and be thankful that nanny doesn’t send you to bed without any pudding. Smile, nod, do as you are told. That is your sole reason for existing.

Four legs good, two legs bad.

Besides:

David Miliband has said the era of New Labour is over and the party must look to
the future if it is to recover.

It never happened. It was all a bad dream. David was nothing to do with it. Here was never there, you can’t prove he was there, and anyone who says he was there is a damn liar.

The One That Wants Frank . . .

So, the monocular, snot-gobbling, nokia throwing, old lady insulting, macavity impersonating, foaming at the mouth, tantrum expert, denialist supreme, prime mentalist has finally faced up to the inevitable.

But of course this is the Labour party, so it won’t happen, can’t happen, overnight. It’ll drag on until September. In a way this is bad, as this really needs to be sorted out sooner rather than later. It is also a good thing, because the scramble to jump into Brown’s grave, plus the huge egos of those involved means it will all be conducted very publicly and members and non-members alike will be thoroughly sick of the sight of them all come conference season.

It could actually be very entertaining. No-one bitch fights like a socialist going for the top job. The smears, innuendo and tears will be wonderful.

I am however not without sympathy. And that sympathy is squarely with the long time, traditional membership of the party. Why? Well, let’s look at the early runners, shall we?

  • Miliband Majority
  • Alan ‘Postman Pat’ Johnson
  • Harridan Harperson
  • Badger Brows Darling
  • Blinky ‘Kick Me Inna’ Balls
  • Miliband Minority
  • Andy ‘Max Factor’ Burnham
  • John Cruddas

Cruddas aside, who whilst undoubtedly representing the views of the largest section of the membership has the ability to make people shuffle away from him looking in the opposite direction, none of them are representative of that party’s membership.

The Milibands? Really? I mean. . . really? The banana boat captain and the work experience boy?

Alan Johnson? Because? What? He’s not quite as bad as the others?

Harman? Imposing an ‘equality and diversity’ programme at all costs, even to that of her party. Unless of course it’s her husband.

Darling? Jesus Christ on a little purple trike.

Balls? Hated now. Would make Brown look popular after six months. Would lose his rag three minutes into his first PMQs. And then there’s his wife.

Andy Burnham? Out of his depth in a bird bath.

Really Labour party members, and I say this with real concern for your views and your party, if this is the best your party can muster, then I could weep for you. Your ideals and views have been sold down the river completely. You’ve been evicted by a family of cuckoos who stole your legacy from you on the promise of a few days in the sun.

Now the sun has gone in, and they will all squabble and fight amongst themselves. Don’t worry, you’re not expected to do anything. Just smile and nod and elect the person you’re told. Just like you did with Blair.

I do not, will not and never have agreed with the Labour party, but at least under Foot they stood for something. At least when The Beast, Skinner, opens his mouth he does it because he cares deeply about those he represents. Sit him on the awkward squad bench. Keep an eye on him. The snakeoil salesmen hate him, and with good reason, he sees them for what they are.

For fuck’s sake Labour members, take your party back. Make it speak for what you want, you’ll never have a better chance, or a better time.

Jesus, look at that list. Come on! Where’s Frank Field? Where’s Tom Harris? I don’t agree with them that often, but they have substance, they have conviction, as an outsider they sound like you. Come on, apply some pressure, get yourself a leader I can at least respect, someone who holds opinions that don’t need to be rejected out of hand.

I want Frank.

The One That Is Amazed How They Still Don’t Get It. . .

The penny is finally starting to drop.

The press and, if my experience is anything to go by, the public are salivating at the prospect of a shed load of MPs being undone by their venal expenses claims.

The Cabinet are starting to fall upon one another like a pack of ravenous hounds as criticism is followed by denial, followed by infighting, followed by calls for unity. I can only ever see a call for unity as a call to get behind the person calling for unity. Brown’s colleagues are starting to edge away from the ranting madman in front of them to the door marked ‘emergency exit’, no-one wanting to be the first to hit the push-bar and setting off the alarm, even fewer wanting to be the last to get through. The New Labour project really is in its last days, the air in Number 10 and on the government front benches is heavy with the stench of decay.

The facts of the matter are this; ever since Brown and Blair’s New Labour project has been put into action, the humiliation of the party has been as certain as night following day. From day one, with celebrities queuing up to get into Downing Street for a photo-op, (wherefore now, Oasis, Damon Albarn, Bonio and other celebs?), an obsession with the projection of image over every other consideration, spin, spin, spin, spin and more spin, incredible hubris, vanity and arrogance, from that very first moment, Labour were destined to consume themselves in a Bacchanalian feast that they thought would last for ever. Just as the banks gorged themselves on financial capital that didn’t exist, Labour have gorged themselves on an equally imagined political capital.

They are utterly discredited. They have betrayed those whom they promised the Earth in 1997, they have angered the rest of the population, they pick battles they cannot win against those with huge popular support, and make pronouncements they cannot back-up, or promise referenda they have no intention of delivering. They seek to control every aspect our lives, record where we go, with whom we speak, which websites we visit, to whom we send emails, or chat with on Facebook. They demand our most personal genetic and biometric data, demand we place our children on a database for their safety and security, whilst using the same argument to exclude the recording of their own progeny. The bleating of ‘four legs good, two legs baaaaad’ from the farm is audible from the bar of the village pub, crippled with enormous tax hikes, a ban on smoking and a government health inspector tut-tutting as people drink their beer and noting down who consumes what, lest that information should be needed in the future. And whilst they do all this, they cream millions of pounds of our money off into their pockets like tinpot dictators of flyblown, swamp-ridden African countries.

Not one of them, not one, has the self-awareness or decency to hold their hands up to the offences committed against this country. The deceit and deception is total, and still as the slow, painful and bloody end approaches, the party nobility just do not get it, they deceive even themselves. Neil Kinnock has told the Guardian this morning that this squabbling is ‘ludicrous and damaging’ and that the jockeying for position in anticipation of the inevitable will ‘hand victories to the BNP’.

Well, no Neil, you’re wrong. I don’t quite understand how one man with such a long political history can have been so successful despite being so wrong, so much of the time. No-one is going to vote BNP because Harriet doesn’t like Hazel, Hazel doesn’t like Ed, Ed doesn’t like David, David can’t stand Maragaret, Margaret abhors Alistair, Alistair hates Charles and everyone despises Gordon. What do we expect? They’d all walk upon disabled babies to sit in that big chair. We understand they all want power, it is just that we don’t want Labour to have it, they’ve had it for 12 years and have squandered the opportunities afforded to them.

People aren’t going to vote BNP because of your little rows, Neil, people will vote BNP because they have cleverly and skilfully positioned themselves to occupy the space vacated by the party, who charged on the attack, like Pyrrhus, to this authoritarian ground where control over everyone, everything, must be complete.

The only remaining question to be answered will be whether those in charge of the project have the courage to administer the injection, putting their pet to sleep, or whether they will sit back and watch in denial as it lies on the floor fighting to catch its final breath.