Category Archives: expenses

Won’t somebody think of the politicians?

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My heart has almost bled dry. I am bereft, devastated and utterly inconsolable.

What has brought this about?

Well, before I show you, go and get a box of tissues, because you will weep. Seriously.

Go on, I’ll wait for you. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Right.

Ready?

The new, tougher expenses regime is damaging MPs’ “mental wellbeing”, the doctor who looks after them has said.

Perhaps I should have said weeping with laughter.

Dr Ira Madan told a committee looking into the system that its “frustrations and difficulties” had increased workloads but decreased rewards.

I’m a public servant, I’ve heard the phrase ‘more with less’ so often now that I see it in my sleep. So, they’re your rules, abide by them.

She also said MPs were tired of being the butt of jokes about their expenses.

Ooooh, poor ickle daaalings. Were the nasty people mean to you? There there, poppet, it’s not your fault. I mean, it isn’t as if you set up the expenses rules yourself, is it?

“The bureaucracy of Ipsa has increased their workload, they find it increasingly frustrating to deal with Ipsa, they are concerned that the way the expenses are reported by Ipsa is picked up by their local constituency press and there can be some fairly vitriolic reporting of that.”

Well, you fucking set it up! Now I’m supposed to feel sorry for you? Chutzpah? Much?

Sorry. That was uncharitable.

What I’ve not taken into account is the fact that you were dragged, forcibly, off the street. You were MADE to be an MP, you didn’t ask for the job did you? And how you’re supposed to survive on £64k a year is a bloody mystery.

Bloody hell, talk about picking a difficult product to sell. I thought shit in a box was a daft one, this takes the biscuit. Ira Madan obviously doesn’t shirk a challenge.

The One That Wonders What Else They’ve Got. . .

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I like a good conspiracy, and this one is quite entertaining.

The events of the last couple of days about David Laws has left me wondering what else the Torygraph have hidden away. Why Laws and more importantly, why now?

The Telegraph must have realised how damaging this could be to a coalition, especially in these early days. Whilst I have no doubt that the Telegraph and their core readership would much rather have a Tory majority government, surely the ConDem coalition is infinitely preferable to a LibLab coalition or one of them governing in their own right.

To risk bringing down a coalition so soon just doesn’t make sense.

So it makes we wonder, what do the Telegraph have on Cameron and Osborne? They could have run this Laws story at any time over the last year. For what it’s worth, I have little sympathy for Laws. If his personal life was so important to him, he could have just not claimed the £40k. I mean, if he’s living with this bloke, how much is it costing him? How much is it costing his partner to have him there? Is this beyond the normal cost of living borne by millions of others of same and different sex partnerships? This sexuality thing is a smoke screen and I don’t buy it. Looks like troughing to me, whether within the rules or not.

God, are we still going on about the rules? I’m not bored of it yet. I get the impression that the politicians were hoping we would be. But this story is here to stay.

I digress.

Cameron has already put noses out of joint with his attempt to immasculate the 1922 Committee and I can see a huge row brewing over the re-ratification of Lisbon. There’s a real hunger amongst the membership to give the EU a bloody nose, and Lisbon/EUro Constitution 1.3 is the perfect opportunity.

The Telegraph, who in the main represent the more right wing, Euro-sceptic faction of Conservatism are probably a decent representation of the Tory majority view. So I can’t help wondering if the destruction of Laws isn’t a warning shot across the bows of Cameron. If he knows they’ve something on him and/or Osborne then this is a very neat, surgical way of letting him know that if they feel the need, they’ll do the same to him. At least with Laws it gives Cameron a bit of a headache, but leaves the Tories unharmed.

Next time the target may be a bit closer to home.

I shall return my tin-foil hat to the kitchen drawer for when I need it next.

The One That Can’t Be Arsed. . .

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I was going to blog about how Prescott is going to be made Lord Prescott of Melton Mowbray or whatever, but to be honest what’s the point?

I was going to blog about David Laws’ piss taking over expenses and the accompanying sob story about how it isn’t his fault, it’s because he’s gay.

Here’s a newsflash David, we don’t care if you like to put it up another man’s bottom, believe me, it really isn’t that important, I get as animated about homosexuality as I do about people who like the novels of Dick Francis or enjoy eating spinach, it’s an irrelevance.

I’m guessing that most people who vote Lib-Dem are similarly unconcerned about a bit of bum fun as well.

What I do get animated about is you using your sexuality as an excuse for the way you’ve claimed these expenses.

I give up, I really do. Of course new politics was bullshit, of course Labour would look after their own (and the Tories, I see Howard is now Count of Transylvania or whatnot). I’m at a loss as to what the solution is.

I’m not even angry to be honest.

What’s the fucking point?

The One That Is Marvelling . . .

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Election time is over, let the stupidity begin!

Where to start? There really are some idiots out there.

Let’s start with the cabin crew at BA, pictured standing outside the High Court singing ‘We are the champions’ as the injunction on their strike was overturned. I’m very pleased for you. CF has a very eloquent rant on the stupidity of their stance. If they’ve not driven the final nail into their own coffin, then they’ve certainly lined it up and whacked their thumb with the hammer.

I went on holiday a couple of months ago and BA were cheaper by about £50 per ticket and the take off and landing times in London were much more convenient for me, but I chose to fly Virgin. Why? Simple, I knew that the Virgin staff would turn up for work. Anyone booking a BA flight at the moment must be doing so with fingers crossed in hope. As CF points out, who is going to trust BA now? The holidaymakers won’t, the business men and women won’t, who does that leave? No-one. BA will be dead by the time the decade is out, and then where will these cabin crew be? I’ll tell you, they’ll be whining at the government for not taking our money off us and putting it in their pockets whilst they get paid a shitload more than the staff at Virgin, get free flights and all the other perks.

Tough shit. There’s thousands of people who’d love to have your job. I’m sure a long haul flight is hard work, I have no doubt that the travelling public are the biggest collection of idiots and arseholes you’ll ever encounter, but really, you’ve got it very easy and you’re throwing it all away. Your loss, not mine, I’ve plenty of choice, see you later on.

OH then links to more stupid. This time from an article in the Graun.

The poor old MPs are having a tough time of it. They’re not being given unfettered access to our money.

Aw, diddums. Here’s a point, we’ve just had an election. If the T&C’s of your employment were so onerous, why the bloody hell did you stand? Are you simple? This sort of thing just underlines how little this new politics differs from the old:

We just have to accept this because the public is not with us. It will take something really horrendous, such as a woman MP being stabbed on the streets of London because she is not entitled to take a taxi home late at night, before people wake up and realise how unfair this is.

Really? Has there been some new Act passed which forbids politicians to stand on Whitehall with their hand in the air, hailing a cab, telling the nice man where they want to go and then putting their hand in their own pocket, rather than mine, and paying the fare?

No-one pays for my transport from work to home. I have to pay for that myself. And it’s not as if you’re having to pay for transport from Penzance or Perth to Westminster, is it? No, you’re getting a cab to your second home. A second home paid for by me.

If one of you get stabbed on the street, then perhaps you’ll have an understanding of the world the rest of us live in. Now, let’s think, who could possibly change that world?

Thirteen years of Labour’s entitlement culture, why am I surprised? They’ve been telling everyone how they are deserving of this and that. Not any more, that ship has sailed.

This new government is ticking some boxes at the moment. The civil liberties thing is going down very well with me. I also enjoyed Sarko’s very glum expression when Cameron was talking last night. No doubt the odious little shit was browbeating Dave for our bizarre decision to have stayed out of the Euro thus far, and the even more peverse decision to stay as far away from this phoney currency as we possibly can now. These Greek retirees with their huge state pensions and French farmers being paid an awful lot to produce fuck all aren’t going to feed themselves, you know. It’s our duty to bankrupt ourselves even further, to take food from our own childrens’ mouths just to ensure these lazy, corrupt, grasping arseclowns can continue to be kept in the style to which they have become accustomed.

Sorry Jean-Paul, you’re own your own. You spent years trying to block our produce in direct contravention of the free-trade rules and now you come crying to us because you’re broke? Three points: 1 – Fuck you. 2 – We’re broke too. 3 – Fuck you.

The sooner this corrupt, anti-democratic and protectionist currency and international experiment comes crashing down, the better. Hopefully Cameron digging his heels in will hasten that collapse.

Yes, it’s all being going quite nicely from my point of view. Oh, hello? What’s this?

The UK’s coalition government has pledged to ban the sale of alcohol below cost price in an effort to cut binge drinking in England and Wales.

The plan is likely to ban retailers from running loss leader promotions on lager, wine and alcopops.

The coalition said that it would also review alcohol taxation and pricing and strengthen licensing powers.

You stupid, stupid fucks. Can you not make the connection? Is it so difficult, or are you just so hard of thinking? What is the difference between:

There were some bad apples who did terrible things with their expenses. The system had to change. But decent people in all parties are being treated in an infantile way.

And then bumping up the price of booze because:

Police officers frequently report that some of the young people they deal with arrive in pubs well on the way to being drunk thanks to cheap alcohol bought and consumed earlier in the evening.

Do you see? Do as you would be done by. You’ve treated us like this for years, and now you’re getting some back. Not very nice, is it? Good. I hope it makes you miserable, you arrogant, preaching righteous fucks.

The One That Is Rounding Up. . .

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A few little things which have flashed across my radar screen over the last couple of days.

Firstly, I was very sad to hear of the death of the Georgian luger yesterday. Apparently the sliding track at Whistler has the reputation of being the fastest in the world, and one of the more dangerous. There have been a few grumbles that the teams haven’t have had as much practice time on the track as they would have liked. That practice time wouldn’t have made any difference, despite the best efforts of the organisers to make the track as safe as possible, this accident happened on a corner which no-one expected to be dangerous.

Of course danger is a relative term when you look at sporting events like the luge, skeleton and bob. They are three, frankly, ridiculous sports and not ones that I personally can get excited about, but every competitor knows that when they step onto the ice, there is a very real risk of serious injury or death and damn do I respect their guts.

Secondly, a suggestion was made by a friend of mine that if the three disgraced proto-criminal MPs do use the parliamentary privilege defence when they pitch up in court, they should also be charged with incitement to riot and revolution. That sounds like a fine suggestion to me.

Thirdly, I was going to make a point about the futility of these body scanners (which I hate) at the airports if the PC brigade bring their illogical pressure to bear over the religious sensibilities of Islam, but Leg-Iron has beaten me to it, and does it better than I ever could.

Finally, Leona Lewis who won Britian Has The X-Factor and Talent in Amounts That Would Have Made a 1970′s One Hit Wonder Vomit Through Laughter, has proved herself to be a true diva by stamping her little foot over the choice of the food at the forthcoming Brit awards. Well, Fiona, or what ever your name is, you could always have chosen not to have eaten it, y’know.

How sad that the younger generation in this country see the option of bans as a proportionate and primary response to things that they have objections to. I have no strong feelings on the subject of foie-gras, there are just so many more important things to worry about. But when you go around trying to institute bans on things, don’t come weeping to me when something you want to do, eat, say, practice or belive is banned, you’ve brought it upon yourself.

The One That Is Being Pithy. . .

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One thing’s for sure, when we do get the chance to see Jim Devine in court, if he presents like this he’ll be more fucked than a lone chamber maid walking into a room full of England footballers.

If this is the best in debating skills that someone who has sat in the house since 2005 can muster, then the mother of parliaments really is a bloody joke.

I hope the judge hasn’t sent his black cap to the dry-cleaner, I’ve a funny feeling he’ll need it come sentencing day.

The One That Is Abso-bloody-lutley Delighted. . .

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Four out of six ain’t bad.

Scared are we?

Theft, false accounting, 2 charges Elliot Morley MP.

Theft, false accounting, 3 charges David Chaytor MP.

Theft, false accounting 2 charges Jim Devine MP.

Theft, false accounting, 6 charges Lord Hanningfield.

Lord Clarke of Hampstead gets off.

One case still under consideration.

Let the games begin. Perhaps we can hire the O2 and hold the trials in there?

The One That Is Ordering A Really Huge Bucket Of Popcorn. . .

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Six MPs and peers may soon face criminal charges of fraud following investigations by Scotland Yard into the abuse of the Parliamentary expenses system.

The Daily Telegraph understands that detectives will imminently pass files on Labour MPs Elliot Morley, David Chaytor and Jim Devine, and peers Baroness Uddin, Lord Hanningfield and Lord Clarke of Hampstead to the Crown Prosecution Service.

Ho ho ho, I think I may even order up a platter of nachos covered with that cheese. Y’know, the stuff that is that yellowy orange colour you don’t find in nature.

Keir Starmer, the country’s top prosecutor, is expected to make a decision on whether to prosecute the politicians as early as January, before a General Election.

And listen to the high pitched whine if any prosecution does come before the GE. Wait for the explanation about how it would interfere with the big three’s divine right to be elected. Justice must play second fiddle to these arseholes and their desires to rule over us. The other argument will be about how the cost of these trials dwarves the amount of money trousered, and that it was a mistake. It being a mistake is a defence that has to be accepted. But only if you are an MP or a Peer of the Realm, if you’re a little person, you’re going down.

That’s not all justice has to play second fiddle to. . .

The most serious suspected frauds are considered to be those of Mr Morley and Mr Chaytor who both claimed thousands of pounds for “phantom” mortgages that they had already paid off. . .

. . . Mr Morley said: “I have always made it clear that I am not guilty of any offence and that I am very happy to co-operate with the police, and the parliamentary authorities and procedures. I have been advised not to comment on press reports particularly when they are based more on speculation than fact.”

Yep, that’s Labour all over. ‘I have declared I am not guilty, therefore it is so.’ Sorry fatboy, if we get our day in court, that’ll be for the jury to decide, and given the rep of MPs in general and you in particular, I don’t fancy your chances old chap. Just think about all that DNA on registers, all those CRB checks for you to get a job once you get out.

In May, HMRC wrote to all MPs asking if they wished to come forward and make voluntary payments.

I’m betting I know how many decided they did want to make voluntary payments. Somewhere between sod all and naff all.

The authorities said last night they had opened formal inquiries into 27 MPs.

Looks like the CPS and the revenue men could be giving us all a belated Xmas present. You see, that’s the thing, all those civil servants and police officers who have had their jobs made more difficult by your constant tinkering, who have seen budgets for proper work cut whilst more and more social cohesion diversity outreach citizen focus equality officers have been put on the strength, they are all little people too, they hate you as well and now they have an opportunity to kick you where it hurts.

Payback’s a bitch.

The One That Is Saying ‘Good’. . .

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Former cabinet minister Stephen Byers has announced he will quit Parliament at the next general election.

Good.

He claimed £125,000 in second home expenses over five years for a flat owned entirely by his partner, according to details of MPs’ allowances published by parliament.

He also claimed more than £27,000 on renovation, redecoration, maintenance and appliances at his flat in Camden, north London.

In that case, I will expand on my response.

Good riddance you troughing fucker, I hope you find you are as unemployable as you deserve to be one you leave that sixth form common room.