The murder of Jo Yeates has shocked and gripped the nation in equal measure. Following a flurry of early activity, the news from the local police has dried up. It would appear that perhaps the odd, eccentric landlord public school teacher with mad hair didn’t do it after all.
The thing is the longer the case goes unsolved, the more unlikely it is that the killer will be caught.
If only there were some way of approaching this problem. . .
Ah, here we go. Here’s a cracker.
calls for the DNA screening of all men in Bristol as part of the hunt for the murderer of Jo Yeates.
Bloody police. Get out there and do the detective wor. . . hmmmm? What? Not a policeman? Must be some kind of criminologist then.
Well. . . who?
Oh God. Hang on, this murder, where did it take place? Jesus, it was Brizzle, wasn’t it? Bristol MP. . . I’ve a bad feeling about this. . .
Bristol East Labour MP Kerry McCarthy said if police thought the exercise was worthwhile she believed most men would understand why they were being asked.
Oh fuck. It had to be, didn’t it?
What about the men who didn’t understand, Kerry? Hmmmm? What about the men who would view it as a gross invasion of their most personal, private possession? Or don’t they count? Does your ‘all men’ stretch to, ooooh, let’s say Stephen Williams, Lib Dem MP for Bristol West? Is he a suspect now?
She said DNA testing had proved useful in other murder cases.
Well, yes. So does a person standing over the body with a smoking gun shouting ‘I done it! I killed ‘em! They had it coming and I don’t care who knows!’ Is there any way we could organise that?
Ms McCarthy said she believed the majority of people would be sympathetic to requests for DNA samples.
Do you Kerry? Do you? But what of those who are not? I would be amongst them. Would my lack of ovine acquiesence lead to my arrest under suspicion of murder? Or would I be charged with obstructing an officer? How about failing to do what an MP says? Is that an offence yet?
She added: “But rather than taking DNA just from men in the Clifton area, where the population is somewhat transient, the operation should be widened to include the whole of the city.
Well why stop there? Who is to say the killer is still in Bristol? They could be anywhere in Somerset. What about England, the UK, Europe? They could be anywhere, Bristol has an airport and a docks, they could literally be anywhere in the whole world.
Hang on, we don’t know that the killer was a man, should we perhaps get DNA from all the women as well? They’ll understand, and you can’t be too careful. They could take yours!
“Quite how the police would organise this I don’t know,” she added.
Yes, I’ve a man for that sort of thing. Just be a good chap and go and sort it out won’t you?
Perhaps some sort of database?
We’ve been here before, haven’t we?
Kerry, sweetheart, there’s a reason you are out of power. Actually, there’s scores of reasons you are out of power, but this is one of the biggies. The Coalition maybe a foetid crock of fly blown, greeney mucus ridden diarrhoea induced shit, but they are so monumentally superior to you (and please, take this personally, I’m not talking about your party here, the Coalition are only marginally superior to them) in almost every respect that the words to allow me to express the contempt in which I hold you simply don’t exist .
But then, I’m a man, so I’m probably in the frame for every case of rape, murder, child abuse and cattle rustling in my area as far as you’re concerned.
*We’ll leave aside that that should be ‘An MP’ for the moment.