Category Archives: bunch of bastards

Oh, how wonderfully generous.

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Earth hour.

Wow.

I mean, wow.

Another example of world-class attention-whoring ‘Oooh! Oooh! Look at me! I’m, like, soooooooo important.’

Of course, if it were that important that the lights go out for an hour, they’d be pressing for it to be done at half-four on a Wednesday afternoon in January, not the night before the bloody clocks go forward, so it obviously isn’t THAT important, is it?

Another empty gesture to let everyone feel like they’re making a difference.

Predictably the BBC are all over it like a 70′s powder blue suit on a Nigerian visa applicant.

“It gives everyone the chance to have some fun, to organise their own events, and at the same time be part of an incredibly powerful global message to world leaders of the concern we all share about climate change.”

Oh! Rapture! Wherever would we be without the benign and guiding hand of the WWF giving us, us, mere mortals, the chance to have some fun? I’m completely incapable of having fun without some jumped up self important bunch of panda botherers telling me how to do it. Not only that, but they’re going to let me organise my own event! I need to lie down, the power is going to my head.

Look, arseholes, we do not all share your concerns about climate change. So, in future, when tempted to speak for me, why not try keeping your fucking mouths shut?

I liked it better when the WWF was all about Steve Austin wrapping a folding chair around the Undertaker’s head.

The One That Says ‘You Will Look How I Say’. . .

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As a kid I remember England playing a qualifying match for the World Cup or Euros away to Albania. I also remember some genuine concerns about whether Chris Waddle would be admitted to the country due to his infamous mullet. Granted, even by 80′s footballer standards, it was shit, but I couldn’t get my head around the fact that you could be refused entry to a country just because your hair was business at the front and party at the back.

Nowadays I believe that the reverse is almost true, and that some pointed questions may be asked at passport control in Tirana if you turn up without a mullet.

Well, 80′s revival seems to be the in thing at the moment. God knows why, I remember the 80′s and am glad we’ve got 20 years distance between then and now. Still history repeats itself, and the latter day Enver Hoxha is revealed as Joe Langley, the NASUWT branch secretary in Salford.

This person has decided that it is very important to jump into the debate surrounding a moustache.

Yes. A moustache.

I feel a certain solidarity with 14 year old Akaash Iqbal. He has been banned (there’s that word again) for growing a moustache. Because? Well, as far as I can make out, because he’s grown a moustache.

He’s 14, when I was 14 I was turning into the hairy wolfman that sits before you today. My 5 0′clock shadow comes at about half twelve. I’m covered in the fucking stuff, and whilst I was at school, got so pissed off with the whole shaving lark, that I grew a full beard. Not some wispy poncy Che wannabe, the full beard like that bloke from Abba.

So yes, it ‘grips my shits’ to see this poor lad slung out for refusing to shave his face fungus off, and why the hell should he? It’s his bloody face. Where do these fuckers get off, what business it is of theirs? He is doing no damage to anyone. I’ve blogged in the past about kids being beaten at school by their classmates and the schools taking no action at all, but grow a ‘tache, you’re out of here son.

Let’s see what Enver Langley has to say:

Unless you start somewhere and make children abide by a code that’s the start of the slippery slope if you let them get away with it.

Sub the word children for teacher and that could have come out of the mouth of Ed Balls. Make children abide by a code? Yes, wholeheartedly. Here’s the code. Sit down, listen to your teacher, realise that you have to pick out the indoctrination. Be polite and respectful. Question everything you’re told, think for yourself and whatever you do, don’t conform. You’ll be a long time conforming, so express yourself now, you’re young, take the chance now because if you don’t, the opportunity may not arise again.

Anyhow. . .

All the school [Manchester Academy] is trying to do is enforce standards and I would have thought everyone would be onside with that.

Ahh yes, but who sets those standards? What if the standard was to dress in Waffen SS uniform, or to have only one book on the set text list, and you had to learn it by heart whilst rocking backwards and forwards?

Nasty controlling little fuckwits who are the first to moan when someone tells them to do something. It smacks of the parlour boy kicking the cat.

You go on and keep growing those whiskers Akaash, really put the cat amongst the pigeons and tell them you’ve converted to Sikhism, and then ask them about Kesh.

The One That Is Very Angry Indeed. . .

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Many thanks to Bishop Hill who made a very brief posting and drew my attention to this shocking revelation from Harmless Sky.

In short, the BBC has re-edited Barack Obama’s inauguration speech to basically fit their own agenda.

Newsnight reported him as saying:

We will restore science to its rightful place, [and] roll back the spectre of a warming planet. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.

What he actually said:

Paragraph 16

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act – not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Paragraph 22

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort – even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the spectre of a warming planet. We will not apologise for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

And why? We all know that Obama has bought (been suckered?) into the ‘climate change’ agenda, so why the need to wilfully manipulate this speech?

I’ve been of the opinion that the BBC put a very definite spin on news to suit their own agenda but to do this is beyond the pale.

Licence fee, blah blah, subscription, harrumph harrumph, bias, yada yada, but this truly disgusts me, indeed I feel the need to write a letter.

I never trust what politicians say, now I can’t even trust that what they’ve said is sufficiently well reported for me not to trust it. Duplicitous politicians and deceitful media, oh what a wonderful combination.

The One That Still Thinks They Are Thinking Of The Wrong Children . . .

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What did I say the other day?

And now a report that a father spent the night in a cell after smacking his seven year old son once on the bottom for wandering away by himself in the dark.

Well what the fuck was he supposed to do? Shrug his shoulders and say ‘well, he’s old enough to make his own decisions’?

This just goes to show, it isn’t about the welfare of children, it’s about making sure that you can get all those nice stars on your annual departmental report. I think the Titanic was a 5 star vessel.

The One That Wonders If They’ve Looked Behind The Fridge. . .

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If you lose something, it’s nearly always behind the fridge, or down the back of the sofa.

ID Cards anyone?

Dear Proles,

Rest assured that your personal data will be perfectly safe, in secure contracted storage provided for and by the government by reputable companies with an unequalled track record in the area of data storage.

Everyone’s DNA, financial, social security, criminal and medical data will be stored on a number of CD’s which will be kept at a high security unit to which access is restricted to the most essential users. These users are highly trained professionals who will safeguard this most personal of information, right up until they want to see which specialist German porn sites you visited in 2007 and then leave the CD on top of the fridge in the kitchen area, on a first class seat on the 0815 from Sevenoaks to Charing Cross, or inadvertently give away with the Mail on Sunday.

Then you’ll be fucked.

However, rest assured that lessons will be learned and pauses will be taken for reflection before we predictably hand out another fucking huge contract for these incompetent bastards to overspend, go over deadline and generally make an arse up of things.

Love,

A Senior Civil Servant.

Yes folks, EDS have provided the latest entry in the log marked ‘We’d manage to lose an Elephant in a modern two bed terrace.’

Armed Forces Minister Bob Ainsworth told MPs the information, which went missing at an EDS site in Hampshire, was “unlikely” to have been encrypted.

Oh good.

HOW MANY MORE TIMES?

It really does beggar belief. This is the situation that the word ‘incredible’ was invented for, as it really does lack any degree of credibility that this situation could be repeated ad infinitum.

Lessons learned? Must be on the new A-Level syllabus then.

F-, see teacher.

Just as an aside, I have a large collection of CD’s, they are kept unencrypted, in their cases, in the cupboard at the top of my stairs. I’ll have to do a quick audit, but you’d be surprised at the number of CD’s I’ve spectacularly failed to lose over the years.

The One That Wonders Why It Was There In The First Place. . .

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I normally consider myself quite lucky to live in Kent. It is a very pleasant place with some lovely countryside, excellent produce, nice (and some not so nice) towns, and it is only a short hop out of this mess of a country. Admittedly France is your main option, but beggars can’t be choosers.

How interesting to learn that Kent County Council are on the verge of waving goodbye to £50m that was invested in an Icelandic bank. Indeed there’s a double whammy here, Canterbury City Council, the body responsible for running my city could also come out light, to the tune of £1m.

Let us set aside the fact that indicators have not been good regarding the Icelandic banks for a little while now. Let us set aside the fact that having lost millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money that the local authorities are now crying to the government about this and want the same protection afforded to individual savers. Actually, no, let us not set that aside. You’ve lost £50m and then go and ask the government for more taxpayers’ cash to cover the shortfall? Are you crazy?

I mean, really, you must be stark raving, batshit, howling at the moon, madder than a bag of cut snakes, mental. I’m a civil servant, although central rather than local government, if I were to cash up my wages and then chuck them in the back of a passing rubbish truck, would I expect the government to cough up again? No, of course not, because I’d been rather stupid and should had known better.

But anyhow, £50m, that’s fifty fucking million quid, gone, more than likely. Gordie thinks that Iceland have acted illegally (I’m inclined to agree with him, but that’s more to do with awful bloody adverts, THAT woman and awful rubbery frozen prawns) I’m not sure of the details. But even if they have, what are we going to do? Sue them? They’re bloody broke, that’s the whole point.

Hang on a second. . .

What the bloody hell was all that cash doing in saving accounts and investments anyway? I don’t pay my taxes to have it hoarded away. I don’t pay my taxes at all, I have large amounts of cash regularly and forcibly removed from me, in some cases it is intercepted before it even reaches my bank account. I resent having this money taken from me and spent on equality, diversity, climate change and 5-a-day advisors (£42,000 pa + car + pension, 37.5 hours per week) but at least it isn’t taken off me and put in a bloody savings account.

Oh wait, it is!

So you’re stealing my money for investment purposes? That isn’t governance, its being a mugger with red braces and a really nasty, shiny suit.

You utter, utter, utter bastards. I hope all your children have small penises. . . especially the girls.

The One That Is Saying ‘Enough Now, Stop It. Really. Stop It This Instant’. . .

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Not content with coming after us who do smoke, now some bunch of self righteous arse-clowns are coming after those of us who don’t smoke.

Now to declare my interest, I am a smoker. I think I’d quite like to give up, but to be honest I get so much joy out of pissing off bastards like ASH that I’m going to carry on. Cutting my nose off to spite my face? Maybe, but it’s my nose and my face.

Anyhow, there’s a company called The Electronic Cigarette Company that produces inhalator style thingies that vapourise nictoine electronically and let you ‘smoke’ without breaking the ban.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, say the righteous. That will never do. There could be anything in that leccy baccy, they could be dangerous. More dangerous than cigarettes? Do they contain tar? Do they produce carbon monoxide? What about benzine or the whole host of other thoroughly unpleasant ingredients? I would have thought not.

No, the real problem with these things is that they allow the users to thumb their nose at these bastards who will not stop at tobacco, these complete fucktards who want to control every aspect of your life, who will undoubtedly go on to ban alcohol (contains alcohol), crisps (fat), peanuts (salt), coffee (caffeine), tea (milk, you could be lactose intolerant), sandwiches (you could be wheat intolerant*), water (there’s a shortage) and anything else that gives people even the merest sense of enjoyment, will not rest until every single facet our lives is documented, licenced, regulated or otherwise under control. Then we will be safe.

Well, not safe exactly, safe from ourselves. Because so many resources will be used on controlling us that bank robbers, corrupt politicians and muggers will be free to do as they please. But at least we’ll be safe from ourselves. I mean it isn’t as if we’re capable of making a decision for ourselves, is it? So we can all sit safely in our houses, with our hands on the table in clear view of the telescreen on the wall, in the knowledge that nothing we are allowed to do will hurt us. Best not go out on to the street. Chris Rock jokes that in his neighbourhood you can get shot whilst getting shot. Well, soon, in your neighbourhood, you’ll be able to get arrested by the fingermen for breaking curfew whilst getting shot by the feral chav for not showing him respect.

Choose a night in, choose Labour TV, choose conformity, choose surrendering your responsibilities, choose an approved dinner menu, choose safety, choose security, choose existence. But don’t, whatever you do, choose life. Leave it all to those who know better than you.

* I love the idea of being lactose and/or wheat intolerant. Isn’t that a hate crime? Do you see people in Sainsbury’s shouting ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGH! Get out of my store, bread, you grainy little bastard!’ or people producing alternative league tables for the football, discounting goals scored by people who take milk in their coffee? White goals don’t count!

Oh, you mean an allergy. Just fucking call it that then, won’t you. Don’t be such a bloody drama queen. Actually I know someone with a wheat allergy (sorry, Ben) I also know someone who is allergic to nuts, but I’ve never heard her talk about being ‘kernel intolerant’.

The One That Figures If It Is Good Enough For The Goose . . .

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You see, that’s the problem in schools. When you have a large number of impressionable and malleable people, you have to be careful about what they are exposed to, what they consider to be the norm and acceptable.

No, of course I’m not talking about the imminent release of Crack Whore Pimp Blows Cars Up – Vilnius Edition. Nor am I talking about the latest reports of kids on school football pitches displaying the lack of respect to match officials which is so apparent in the Premier League. I’m not even talking about the rap genre perpetuating the promotion of women as items for nothing beyond sexual gratification.

I’m not even talking about the kids. I’m talking about the teachers.

Al-Beeb is reporting that staff from Edensor Technology College in Stoke are pissing off to Marbella for four days to ‘discuss the school’s new curriculum and plans to turn it into an academy.’

You what? You have to go to Spain to discuss this? Apparently the trip to Marbella was ‘best value for money’. Really? How much an hour does it cost to hire out your own fucking hall then? I’m guessing it’s a lot, I’d hate to think you were spending MY money on this jolly, so you must have raised the revenue somehow.

But then, why the hell should they not spank thousands of taxpayer’s cash on this? Teachers see council officials, MPs, Civil Servants, MEPs and anyone who gets within half a mile of the public purse going to Can-bloody-cun to see how a municipal building looks with a wheelchair stairlift, so why can’t they get a bit of the gravy?

I hope that parents remind them of the fact that they closed down the school for two days and nipped off for some early winter sun the next time they start bitching about how much work they have to do, and how little cash they get paid.

What a bunch of bastards, I hope all the kids accuse the teachers of touching them inappropriately.

The One That Is Applauding Noel Tinybeard. . .

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I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be saying ‘Good on you, Edmonds.’ But this story (oddly enought taken from Al-Beeb) has had me nodding in agreement.

You see the funny little man has decided to stop paying his licence fee because of the Beeb’s idea that ‘it’s OK to badger, hector and threaten people.’

And that’s a fine reason to stop paying. The other fine reason is that most of the output is utter, utter crap, news with a political agenda, screwy phone ins and competitions and a management who are incapable of communicating with their staff and who waste cash at a rate which would raise eyebrows in the Home Office.

Bollocks to them, bring in Pay-Per-View, I’d certainly not spend much on watching Celebrity Jumble Sale Auction Room Chefs Sell Houses, At A Boot Fair.

They take our money and are as close to being completely unaccountable as makes no difference. ‘Aaah, but they are the national broadcaster’ people say. Well, yes. But supposing we nationalised Land Rover, how many would say ‘Aaah, but they’re the national car company’ when they found out that their road tax was being pumped into the ‘Drovers to the exclusion of all other car manufacturers?

What a bunch of bastards, and it is a shame, because as I’ve pointed out before, the BBC is capable of brilliance – but fuck me, those flashes few and far between these days.