The Newcastle University study comes a week after Prime Minister David Cameron visited the city and pledged to tackle the “scandal” of alcohol abuse.

Quite, it is shocking to see all these people drunk and pissed up on booze running amok and creating trouble, it’s a pain in the arse for the public, ties up the police from collecting revenue for the state and it costs the NHS money, money that could be better spent on sculptures, fact finding missions to the Seychelles and killing old people.

Researchers visited 29 city stores and found 2,000 promotions on offer – but only 2% were at below-cost price.

Arrrrrrrgh. That’s twenty promotions that are as guilty as guilty can be for ensuring that small children, hopelessly addicted to a nice bottle of Sangiovese, go around sticking their tongues out at CCTV cameras and kill polar bears by burning huge amounts of fossil fuels and making them smoke cigarettes.

From 6 April shops and bars will not be able to sell drinks for less than the tax paid on them. This figure works out as 38p for a can of weaker lager and £10.71 for a litre of vodka.

But how do we know this goes far enough? It looks excellent on paper, but there’s still the nagging doubt that someone, somewhere might still be having fun, and this has to be stopped.

What we need is a pilot scheme where the restrictions are even more draconian. But where could we do that?

A man who is understood to be Falkirk’s Labour MP Eric Joyce has been arrested on suspicion of assault after a disturbance at Parliament.

Police say they detained a man in his 50s after receiving reports of an incident at a House of Commons bar at about 22:50 GMT.

And there we have it, ladies and germs, this is where the focus of the pilot scheme must lie.

We know that there is no safe level of alcohol, we know that a half pint of Fosters shandy can lead to an immediate heart attack. The science is settled. We need our leaders to lead. Therefore I call upon David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg to take the following steps, not only for the good of their own MPs, but to set a positive example for the rest of us:

• The ban of alcohol in Parliament and Portcullis House.
• The prohibition of alcohol at all Party, Parliamentary and Departmental/Ministerial conferences, launch parties, briefings and seminars.
• The introduction of an alcohol licence, which every person in parliament over the age of 18 must pay for, at a rate of at least £500 per month. This will offset the costs of dealing with the fallout of MP binge drinking, the cost of the licence may not come from expenses.
• The installation of breathalysers at the doors to both the upper and lower chambers of the house, with every member of each house being obliged to provide a sample before being allowed to enter the chamber. Those who produce a test result suggesting they have taken alcohol to be suspended for one month without pay.
• The prohibition of alcohol for any MP or Peer who produces a breath test sample that suggests there is any alcohol in their bloodstream at all.
• Mandatory monthly breath and/or blood tests for every MP and Peer to root out the users of the demon drink. And their spouses. And children. And pets.

We simply must eradicate this menace from our country, and I for one will sleep much better in my bed at night knowing that we’ve started at the top.